For over 7 years I have been a part of an incredible group of ladies.  Hannah's Prayer (HP), is an online Christian ministry for those struggling through infertility and loss.  Just over 5 years ago I was asked to join as a moderator and later asked to join the Board of Directors where I have served for 4 years, most of that time as the director over the BOD.

It has been a pleasure, joy and downright fun being a part of this board.  It is a wonderful group of ladies!!  Each having a servant's heart to see HP grow as a community.  We've seen heart-ache, joy and had to make some tough decisions.  God was faithful, giving us likemindedness.  We didn't always agree, but we always came to each other with a Godly and humble spirit making those decisions easier as we worked through and saw each other's perspective.

My time on the BOD has come to a close as my term ended yesterday.  I feel I have a little hole left in my heart.  Even though I know it's time to move on.

The timing is quite interesting as other aspect of our life are coming to a close.  In just 2 months we will be leaving Vienna.  Jerry will be starting a new position.  We'll be saying goodbye to long time team members.

I wanted to share some of the beautiful faces of ladies I have had the joy and privilege of meeting through this incredible online ministry!!





















There are SO many pictures missing that I may have lost along the way, but these are quite a few!

I have had the pleasure of praying, supporting, crying and laughing hysterically with these ladies!!

I don't plan on leaving the ministry completely.  I plan to stick around a bit, but I may fade a little as I now have kids who are getting older and I don't feel like I quite fit anymore.  That doesn't mean that I no longer see myself as infertile.  Sure, I have 3 kids, but I will always see myself as an infertile girl.

As a member once put it...... infertility may no longer be a gaping wound.  There is no heavy pain or sting of infertility.  It's more like a scar.  The wound is there, always a reminder of that time in our lives.  It might twinge from time to time, but that time in my life is more and more in my past.

I will always be drawn to ladies with infertility.  It's part of who I am.  Hoping I might be an encouragement and support in the journey.

Now, God is calling me in a different direction.  I'm not fully sure what that is yet.  I'd like to build on my blogging, but we'll see what the Lord has in store!!

I got myself ready for church, trying to be excited that for the first time I could celebrate this day as a mother.  I had a difficult time feeling excited.  I knew it was such a painful day for so many women who longed to be called "Mother" or "Mama" or "Mommy".

I knew today I would be seeing a friend of mine who was in the very depths of infertility.  I ached for her. I knew it would be difficult for me to rejoice while my friend was hurting........



I am happy to be writing at Held today!  Will you join me over there to read the rest?


Thank you!!

Over a year ago I began thinking and praying about Hannah's Prayer Ministry (the infertility and loss ministry that I am part of) starting a blog.

I took my idea to the other board of directors.  It took some time, a little convincing (you ladies know it's true ;)), lots of prayer, a bit of hashing out the details, more convincing and prayer!

But we got there!  In January the blogging team was formed.

This group of ladies has been SUCH a HUGE blessing!!  They have taken this blog farther and more professional than I ever imagined!

And it all starts today!

Held is born!

The actual launch isn't until April 25th, but we have to get the word out there, right?!
And do we ever have some incredible contributors lined up!!  I'm giddy with excitement!!

Would you consider helping us spread the word?!

Will you give us a follow, like us on facebook, follow us on twitter??

Be sure to tell your friends that could benefit from this incredible ministry!

Thank you!!!

If you've ever taken a look at my "Path to Parenthood" tab at the top of my blog, then you know a little about our story and the incredible ministry that I am a part of, Hannah's Prayer (HP).

I found the online forums just over 6 years ago.  For the last 4 years I have been involved in leadership at HP.  First as a moderator and then the last 3 years as co-director for the Board of Directors.

A highlight of HP.....the retreats!  Since 2005, we've hosted 3 retreats.  This year in June will be our 4th!

Do you or someone you know struggle from infertility or loss?
Take a look at our events page for all the details!!

And guess who is going to be our speaker??

Holley Gerth!!!  Co-founder of (in)courage and writer for Dayspring.

We are SO excited to have her as our speaker!!

Consider joining us!!  And be sure to tell your friends!

Hi friends!  I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner to share our story of adoption.

We had always been open to adoption.  After a few years of infertility we felt led to look into adoption in Prague, Czech Republic where we had been living for the past couple of years. We had a Czech colleague help us contact a social worker and fill out the paperwork. We were told that the process can go fast if a couple is willing to adopt a Roma (Gypsy) child, which we were. It took 6 months to get approved. Of course we thought it would go fast by this point, but little did we know that our wait would take another year and a half!!!

Adoptions are done through the Czech government and is only available to nationals or foreigners on a long term work visa. In talking to a friend of a friend about a possible adoption (that didn't go anywhere) we learned about another non-profit organization that does private adoptions. In a few months they matched us with a birthmom.  She wanted to meet us. She was due in 2 months, at the time. We took our Czech colleague to help with translation. After talking with her we were eager to go forward, but we had reservations.

The due date came and we were getting anxious to know something. Within a few days we found out that the birthmom took off on her own to have the baby. It was later discovered that she was actually trying to sell the baby on the internet!!  She had strung us along!  The organization found out about it and tried to have her caught through a set up by the police! They got her but she was not charged with anything. It became a national story running on the news in Czech Republic.

I was devastated!!

Through this loss I found a wonderful online ministry called Hannah's Prayer that helped me through this time.  What a blessing!

In April 2005, 6 months after our first adoption loss the private organization contacted us about a Roma baby boy that was being placed for adoption.  It was the day before I was to leave for a 3 week trip to Texas for a retreat & conference.  I was so excited and we were assured that it was a 99% chance. Because of paperwork, etc. it would be the following week before it would happen, so I decided to go to the States for the retreat and return in a few days. I got back and the parents changed their minds.

Once again, I was devastated!!

We were able to work it out for me to go back to the States with my husband for the conference. It was a nice diversion to the loss, but the pain surfaced upon returning to Prague. This really spiraled me into a state of depression and I was ready to throw away our calling to missions overseas and just go back to the States. I was mad at God for putting me through this.....TWICE!!

Adoption is near and dear to my heart.  So I felt compelled to join in on mentioning that it is National Adoption Month.

We adopted our daughter when she was 5 months old from a Czech orphanage while living in Prague, Czech Republic.  God has bless our family in so many ways because of adoption.

Czechs tried to discourage us from adopting a Roma (also known as Gypsy) child.  During our process we were told that a Roma child would most likely love to sing and dance, be defiant and try to run away when they reached the teenage years.

 When a psychologist told us this very thing I wanted to pipe up and say "What about a loving Christ-centered home with constructive discipline??  My hubby discouraged me from saying anything and we decided to use the nod and smile approach.  That was one of those times it was hard to bite my tongue.

The orphanage she came from was a good one and took very good care of her and the other babies.  We were so impressed with what we saw.  You could tell that it wasn't a front.  It was noticeable in the faces of these babies.  They were loved by their caregivers.

Karis had a very independent nature early on.  And quickly it became evident that this was a strong-willed child.  I had no idea what to do with one of those!  Ha!
 Seeking the Lord and LOTS of chocolate (hee hee) we're making our way through.  It hasn't been easy and there have been moments of tears for everyone, but in her short life she has endured a lot!  Lots of changes, lots of languages around her, several different places we've called "home."  So I can't really blame her!  But oh, the stories she'll be able to tell and the experiences she's had!! 

 Through difficult times I have often thought back to what that psychologist told us.  Maybe there is something to say for the Roma gene running deep?  But ya know, it really doesn't matter where her strong-willedness comes from.  Hey, there are plenty of biologically born children out there that are strong-willed!  The fact is, she is a child of God.

Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
All that to say, I wouldn't change a thing!  God knew what He was doing when He knit us together as a family!
If you are considering adoption or have adopted, I'd love to hear your stories!  Please leave a comment or send me an email!  I'd love to hear how adoption has changed your life!!

I was exhausted yesterday and didn't get a chance to share our day.

The kids had school, so I took the opportunity to do a little grocery shopping as well as get a little Gotcha Day present.  Of course, brother & sister were not forgotten and I got them a little something too.
Now that October has arrived, the kids come home for a 2 hour lunch, then go back to school from 3-4:30.  That 2 hour time wasn't a very good one, unfortunately.  Karis was in a sour mood.  It sounds like a friend at school decided she didn't want to be friends anymore.  As much as I tried to help her through it, gotcha day girl was not in a good mood!  After school was a tad better.  Brennan was asked to his friend, Pedro's house for some boy time!  I love to see how Brennan is making some friends!!  I think he had fun playing at Pedro's house and then they went to the park for awhile.
While he was away the girls made some pictures with glitter.  And wouldn't ya know, I forgot to take pictures of that.  Using glitter in our house is a treat!!  I hate cleaning up that stuff, but we were able to do it without making too big a mess.  After that we headed to the kitchen to bake some chocolate chip cookies!!






 The cookies came out a bit flat.  I'm still learning what flour to buy.  Oh well, they still tasted good!


And it just so happened that a package arrived from Nana & Papa.  Nana had made some pillow cases for each of them and pjs as well.  The girls got a matching dress for their doll....or their Barbie!

 I made them put their new pillow cases over their heads so they weren't peeking when I brought out their presents!

 Before the week gets away from me and being on the BOD of a Christian infertility ministry, Hannah's Prayer, I wanted to mention National Infertility Awareness Week.  Did you know that infertility is a disease that affects over 7.3 million Americans?  And yes, it's a disease.  So many would think of infertility as a condition or misfortune, but it is a disease.
If you haven't read our story Path to Parenthood, I encourage you to do so.
Infertility is one of those diseases that I think is often overlooked by our society.  Many times people do not know how to relate or handle the grief of one who is in the midst of infertility or miscarriage.  One may not realize, but the affects of infertility are much like someone who has lost a loved one.  I know, it may be hard to understand, but it is so true.  It's the death of a dream.  I've known many ladies to experience depression and find it difficult to go on.  I did struggle with some minor depression and even struggled with my call to missions at one point, ready to pack up and go home.
The Lord saw to answer our prayers for a child, not just one but three in 8 months.  Ha!

What you may also be interested in knowing is that infertility doesn't just stop there.  For a good majority of ladies that do go on to hold that dream child in their arms they continue to experience feelings of infertility.  I am one of them!  Not to the extent of some others that I know, but seeing someone with several children or even a pregnant belly can still be difficult or uncomfortable for me.   Infertility will always be a part of me, who I am and how I view life.

I just ask that anyone reading this who has never experienced infertility or loss to please be considered of those who have or are in the midst.  Saying things like "just relax" or "it's in God's hands" are not helpful and are things that the infertile already know.  The best response would be "I'm so sorry" or "I'm praying for you." or "How can I support you during this time?"
Infertility can be such a lonely road when you are living in a fertile world, where people don't understand.  Couples tend to draw within themselves and some can't even find support among their family, closest friends or even their church.  Do you know how many couples pull away from church because they find it to be a place of hurt?  Have you ever thought about birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and I can't forget to mention Mother's Day and Father's Day and how extremely difficult these holidays can be?  They are excruciating.

Ok, I don't want to seem like I'm on my soap box, but I sure have a passion for educating the world on the disease of infertility.  I hope you'll stop and think about it the next time you encounter someone struggling in this area.  I am so thankful to those (of some of you!) that not having experienced infertility and you still found a way to reach out, to put yourself in my shoes and encourage me in the difficult times!  You are and were a blessing to me!!  I encourage you to be that for someone!

I'd love to hear from any of you who are or have struggled with infertility and how God has brought you through that valley.

We I have made a point of having dinner together as a family.  In the past, due to Jerry working at an office as opposed to now, working at home, the kids often times ate before we did.  Now we can have dinner together and we have some great conversations that way!
This weekend we were having some great convos at dinner and randomly Karis was talking about Brennan being "this big." She was holding her fingers so far apart.....what the size of a seed would be.  Then I proceeded to say that he was once, when he was in my tummy.  Hubby decided to get all technical and said, somewhat under his breath, "Well, actually in your uterus!"  "Do you really want to go there?!" I said!  Ha!
Then they got to talking about growing in mama's tummy.  We've talked to Karis a lot about adoption and growing in someone else's tummy but that God always planned for her to be in our family.
So Karis says "not me."  And Reegan says "No, Karis.  You grew in daddy's tummy."  Oh did we all about roll on the floor from laughter!!
And I just love the fact that I have a daughter that at this age (I hope & pray it stays that way) is very secure in the fact that she is adopted and it's ok that she grew in someone else's tummy!  She is a part of THIS family and she knows it!  Love it!

I had planned on sharing this sooner, but time got away from me.   But, I had to tell you about my online friend, Kristen.  We met through Hannah's Prayer's, we've been facebook "friends" and I've followed her blog the past few years.  Well, her and her hubby have been trying to adopt a little boy from Haiti for almost 3 years.  During the wait they made many trips to visit him. 
The past few months, Kristen has been preparing for a marathon for a Haitian birthing center and ran that marathon a few weeks ago in Orlando.  After the race, with her 8 month old daughter, who is also a Karis =), took off for Haiti to visit Keanan (legal name - Kembert).
Then the earthquake hit Haiti!!  When news of the earthquake came out I automatically thought of Kristen.  I was searching all over to find news!  Luckily, her husband, Mark, was updating her facebook page.  Praise God she was in one of the few structurally sound buildings.   The story does not stop there.  She writes of her escape from Haiti, having to leave Keanan behind and then the journey of bringing him home on a humanitarian parole!!  It is quite the story, complete with news coverage!!
Visit her blog for more of the story, but this is one of those moments where something beautiful came out of devastation!  Just like our Creator to do such things!!
Be sure to check out this beautiful family's journey!  What a blessing!

Yesterdays was one of those days where I wish I had stayed home! Well, except for church in the evening. We've gotten in the routine of having lazy Sunday mornings, I cook "dinner" for lunch and then take sandwiches for the kids to eat before our gathering, Bridge Community, in the evening. We don't go out to eat very often and I just didn't feel like cooking this particular Sunday afternoon. So, Jerry suggested I quickly get ready and we go eat at the kid's favorite spot, the Flora Mall food court! Woohoo!! Not mine or Jerry's favorite, but hey, it's close to home and the kids love it!
We were standing at the bus stop letting the kids play around while waiting. I asked them to stay a little closer. The street can get busy and people like to drive like maniacs through there. All of a sudden I hear this woman talking behind Jerry. I thought she might be on her phone, but when I looked more closely I realized she was looking at Brennan, then Reegan & Karis. I was only catching words (our Czech is not the greatest, but we can sometimes get the jist). She was talking pointedly and saying something about how they should be speaking Czech and not English. She was not vicious but I could tell it wasn't nice. She started at it again and as Jerry and I were trying to figure out what she was saying, AGAIN she started. I finally just grabbed the kids by the hand and walked down about 10 steps. I was not going to subject ourselves to her!

Lucky for her Luckily, she didn't follow us. If she had I probably would have, in Czech, said "No!" loudly. There's not much else I am capable of saying in Czech! In my spirit I had all kinds of things come to mind and I kept thinking "She's lucky I'm a good Christian girl!" I feel badly about how I let her rile me up in side. I wish I could say that I had a gentle and quiet spirit about the whole thing. What I am glad is that we did the best thing we could do. We walked away. I wish my first thought would have been "How can we share Jesus with her?" But it wasn't. I was only thinking about protecting my children. But, it gave me something to think about. That's for sure. I'm not usually quick in my responses or actions. I figure out those things much later than I wish. What can I say, I'm still a work in progress!


I got a card in the mail today from my sweet friend, Karon!! We are both moms to fun-loving adopted kids who are energetic, strong-willed & independent. We love them to pieces, but we also have some rough days!
We recently talked over some of those days with each other. And what a sweet friend to send me some encouragement!!
What you can't see & hear is that when you open the card, it says "You're a SURVIVOR!" and plays the song "I Will Survive." So great!! I love it!! I will be referring to this card on those difficult parenting days that I'm sure to have in the future.
She also sent me some yummy tea!! The Bigelow brand teas are my favorite! Thank you Karon!!

Well, the BIG day finally came!!!  Today Karis became a US citizen!!  We didn’t actually get to participate in a ceremony.  There was a little mix up in the day, but they decided to give us the certificate since we were there.
Both sets of grandparents joined us as well as our good friends, the Vanns!  We finished up our celebration at the California Pizza Kitchen!

Tina, Jerry, Karis, Brennan & Reegan Barnwell

But, we are ready to get to our home in Prague!  We’re on the home stretch!  It shouldn’t be long now!

And now, in just the last month I was asked and accepted the request to be on the Board of Directors for Hannah’s Prayer.  The Board of Directors is comprised of 9 ladies that oversee the decision making of HP.  I will serve in this role for the next 3 years.  It is such an honor and a fulfillment of a call that has been placed on my heart!